I’ll explain why it shouldn’t be this way and what you can do to avoid it.
At one time, when my anxiety monster completely controlled me, there were millions of “embarrassing” situations. More than once I called 911 to the rescue when I thought I was on the verge of death. I once passed out on a plane. I can’t count how many times I cried in public places for no apparent reason or how many times I had to run out of crowded restaurants, among many other things. And yes, after each of these episodes, the only thing I could feel was a total shame. I wanted the ground to swallow me. But what could I do?
For years these episodes kept me quiet about my anxiety precisely to avoid that post-episode embarrassment. Then I realized that this was a vicious cycle, that instead of helping me find ways to heal it was feeding the monster more and more.
One day I listened to author Brené Brown talking about her theories on shame. She said how the fear of seeing ourselves vulnerable was the main trigger of shame. She mentioned how by transforming the way we see vulnerability, seeing it as something positive that we must learn to listen to, we could avoid feeling shame. She explained how the vulnerability was a power and how we can make something useful out of it. This completely changed the anxiety landscape for me.
Moms carry excess baggage of guilt. And that call to perfection that society establishes towards motherhood makes us see vulnerability as a taboo, something that is prohibited for a mother, because of course. Moms have to be perfect beings, who have everything under their control, who are never wrong, and who always have to show security even if we have to fake it. And then, what about our vulnerability? We suppress it at all costs until one day it explodes like an atomic bomb.
When I understood that I did not have to stop being vulnerable, that I was a normal human being who feels all kinds of things, and that what others say and think about me is not my problem, then I stopped being ashamed. When I stopped feeling it, it was easier to ask for help and talk about it. The path to healing was much clearer and I stopped feeling isolated when I found other moms who felt like me and who were silent about their anxiety for fear of being judged.
I started talking about the monster and so, little by little I stopped feeding it with my guilt and shame. Taking this step meant the beginning of my journey of learning about anxiety and managing the monster in such a way that even though it still exists in my life, at least it no longer controls it.
The episodes began to subside and I began to see ways to strengthen myself, prepare myself, and nurture my mental health. Putting shame aside will not cure your anxiety. But it is the first step. Talk about it, inform yourself and educate others on the subject. You will feel that a great weight has been lifted from you and you will connect with the help you need to be able to enjoy life and motherhood as you deserve.
Tell me, has something similar happened to you? I would love for you to share your experiences with me!
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Paola is the author of The Lake of Miracles/El Lago de Los Milagros, Shorty Tales (Cuentitos), and The Anxious Mom Manifesto: 18 Lessons to Control your Anxiety Monster. Find her books HERE.
Follow Paola @paobsur
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