A few days ago I had an anxiety attack. Even though these attacks are less frequent these days, they still happen from time to time. However, this one was somehow different. Without giving many details of the episode itself, something happened in the middle of my struggle to defeat my anxiety. I realized that I’ve been struggling with something stronger all my life and that it’s time to literally send that fight to hell… far away where I can never find it: The battle to justify who I am to others. This has marked my life and my personal relationships for a long time and perhaps it has been one of the causes of my anxiety since I was very young, even though the diagnosis of this came in adulthood.
When I was a little girl and a teenager, the battle to be accepted ended up making me hide who I really was. At that time I must say that despite having several friendships, few really knew me. And from there I started playing a role without realizing it and putting labels on myself to make things easier. I began to hide behind more conventional things and thus I became the shy, quiet girl, a follower and not a leader. The label of the faithful friend who went out of her way to see others happy but not herself. What’s more, that girl thought she was ugly and graceless. It was my role, and then I became invisible. No one or very few at least knew that for example I was a football fan, or that I liked fantasy literature and dreamed of writing stories similar to those I consumed, nor that I was a fervent fan of Star Wars. It was easier to be the girl that no one pays attention to, although that hurt a little in solitude.
But I left high school wanting to get rid of that role. Nevertheless, I ended putting more labels on. I studied to become a journalist, and the story that I lived in my teenage years was repeated in college. I put on a number of masks, although I must admit that I found very important friendships in this time of my life, people with whom I could be just me. When I graduated more than 20 years ago, I imagined having a very different life than the one I have now in my 40s. I left my country, Colombia as soon as I graduated, tired of labels and eager to seek my happiness elsewhere. And I achieved a lot as a journalist. Despite how difficult it is to leave the country where you are born and grow up, in the United States I found new friendships, I met who would be my future husband, you could say a full life. So why did I still feel that emptiness? Instead of accepting my authenticity, what I was doing was putting on conventional labels and the more labels more the emptiness. It was no coincidence that my anxiety exploded at that moment when I was diagnosed.
Illustration by @_tatianawilliams_
But there is always a spark that ignites your fire and opens our eyes. I found comfort in something I had left in a corner of my soul. I sat down to write and that’s how my first book was born. The simple fact of finishing it made me realize that I never really wanted an executive career in media. I always wanted to be a writer. But thousands of questions drowned that dream, the bad thing is that they were not my questions but those of others. Many did it to my face, others simply let me see them in their eyes. How could I leave a promising media career for a “simple hobby”? How could I make a living from writing and how would I help my husband with household finances if writing books does not leave a penny?
I became a mom and that changed my life completely. It gave me more strength to pursue my dreams and to accept who I really was or at least it was there when I started to get rid of the labels. I managed to finish a master’s degree and I finally managed to publish my book, against all odds. Meanwhile, the questions of others continued. Where do you get the money to travel? What do you do all day at home? Why you don’t get a stable job if your children already go to school? and the list goes on.
A few months ago I found some spiritual advice that made me realize that my mistake had been trying to please the rest of the planet and not myself all my life. It has been months of introspection and of recognizing that although my true self showed itself from time to time, I never let it come out. But it’s never too late. Having turned 40 a few months ago was a rebirth together with all this that I began to discover.
In the midst of the crying in my episode days ago, I understood all this more clearly. We will never silence the prejudices of others, we will always listen to their questions, the advices that we have not asked for, their requests and demands, their expectations of us … it is something that we can not control. What we can do is learn to listen and receive the good from others and reject what is bad, what hurts. Just imagine yourself as a colander, others can be light in our lives or can intoxicate us. It depends on what we allow to get through inside us. We are human beings that need from each other to move forward. Some come into our lives and sporadically leave, others stay, others hurt you, others shine on you. For someone who suffers from anxiety it is difficult to find that balance of managing what comes from others but it is not impossible.
We need to talk. Anxiety is not something that we have to swallow forever. There is always someone willing to listen to us. And whoever really loves us and does not understand what anxiety is will make an effort. To those who are with someone who suffers from anxiety and do not understand what I am talking about, I can only say that we never look for or need to be fixed. We do not need to be told that everything will be fine. We do not need your judgments, if you do not know anxiety, educate yourself to be able to help the one you love. If there is something we need, it is love. A hug at the right moment can get us out of a state of panic. A call can distract us from chaos. An approach reminds us that we are not alone in this world. There is much we can learn from anxiety to be better human beings, compassionate and full of light to give.
Has something similar happened to you? Tell me your experience
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