When was the last time you did something for yourself? And not only that; without any sort of guilt. During the past three months this has been even more difficult, at least for me. It feels even more awful when in the middle of a global pandemic everyone is telling you “you should take care of yourself” when for a mom with anxiety, sometimes this is the last thing that crosses your mind…
I am not only talking about an expensive purchase or a hair appointment. Even a little nap in the middle of the day or a long shower, without worrying and without feeling like you are either neglecting your family, yourself, or feeling like a lazy careless mother. Many people don’t understand that this adds pressure to our mental health. We are trying to cope with the challenges of the pandemic, adapting to our new lifestyles at home, function professionally and personally, all while juggling anxiety. For many of us, anxiety increases with the “are you taking care of yourself?” question because we struggle with the isolation, the overwhelming thoughts, and our own self-esteem issues. On top of that we are being judged because we forget to put make up on or dress up every day because this is what others think means to take care of yourself or because they assume this is what you need.
So first things first: our needs and the way we take care of ourselves are different from mother to mother. Some might feel safe care is exercise, others to put make up and get dressy, others just having a few minutes of solitude. If you find out what are your needs, and do what you have to do to make yourself happy and keep your Anxiety Monster at bay, be unapologetic about how you handle your “self-care.” Your priority is not making everyone else comfortable and happy, but fulfilling whatever it is what you need to take away some of the new anxieties and pressures that 2020 has brought. Also, and this is very important, don’t compare your needs to others and don’t feel bad if your priorities are different.
Having said that, secondly PLEASE do not judge another mom or yourself about this issue. A few weeks ago I received some comments about my Facebook Live appearance. It hurt me a little bit because even though the persons that said it didn’t mean it in a bad way (or at least I hope,) I felt like I was completely neglecting myself. Anxiety started growing but as I learned in my healing process, one of the things that has helped me to control the Anxiety Monster is knowing that judgments have two faces. Also, when anxiety starts growing on me because of a judgment, I already know I have to stop and reflect.
Sometimes, people’s insecurities come out in the form of judgments and they are mostly thinking about themselves and their needs. However, you need to learn to listen and not take criticism so personal. Take what you want and move on. This was incredibly difficult for me once. Thankfully, it’s much easier now. After a few minutes of reflection, a little bit of anger (with myself) and then a moment of zen, I realized two things from this situation. Maybe yes, I was not projecting that image of conventional self-care, because sometimes that is precisely what a mother with anxiety is struggling with. But it’s more an internal thing than an appearance one. I needed to think if there was something inside that was bothering me and that needed heeling. Turns out it was.
At the same time, you always need to find a way to feel proud of who you are and what you do. You need that to find the positive when some negative comment comes toward you. I thought “it takes courage to show yourself as you are without filters or masks.” So I was happy that even when I was extremely self conscious, I showed myself out there and spoke my truth. If I put make up or do my hair or dress up nicely, something I certainly do sometimes but not always, I do it for me. Not for my husband’s pleasure, or to get people to like me. The time of being a people pleaser is past gone. What I took from that was that yes, maybe I was neglecting myself and I projected that. But even if I had make up and hair done, I was going to still project that because that was what I was struggling in the moment with, and no amount of make up could have covered it. It shows in your eyes.
I took a week to just focus on myself and think about my priorities. I took time to meditate and journal more, and found that yes, I wanted and needed to pamper my mind, body and soul. Sometimes that is necessary for you to regain confidence, find center, go back to listen to your true self and take your needs in your own hands.
My advice here is this: you need to take time daily (yes, I said daily) to think about yourself. Even if it’s only 5 minutes. You need time to be grateful, to treat yourself nicely. Look at the mirror and tell yourself something nice every single night before you go to sleep. Without masks, make up or even clothes on. You are unique and the only YOU that exists. Your needs are also yours only, so own them whatever they are. Noise is going to exist anyway, so by taking care of your personal needs it’s like having the most powerful canceling noise headphones. And you will learn to be happier with the sounds of your own music and with the voice of your own heart.
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