*The following is the first draft of the first chapter of a book I am currently developing. Some of the things here I have taken from posts that I wrote before, but I am updating the information, changing the tone and other things to make the narrative enjoyable for a book chapter. I want to share this with you because I want to hear your opinion and suggestions. It will mean the world for me. I hope you like what I have to say and this inspire you somehow. I will continue sharing updates and news about the book. I am currently looking representation and a proposal has been made ready to send for review. Without further ado here it is. The first chapter of The Momxious Manifesto: The Rules That Every Anxious Mom Should Follow.
Illustration by @_tatianawilliams_
There is a question that people always ask me when I tell them I suffer from severe anxiety and panic attacks. “So, how does it feel?” I tell you one thing. It is the most difficult thing to explain, and if you have never suffered from anxiety, it’s very difficult that you will understand. Also, it’s challenging because for every person is different.
This is how usually a panic attack feels to me. It can happen at any moment. I could be driving, or watching a movie, or simply lying in bed sleeping. Yes, it has happened when I am sleeping. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, I feel a hot flash, and then I start feeling dizzy. I think immediately that I am going to faint. That simple sensation starts a chain reaction in my brain releasing a bunch of other inexplicable random thoughts that create a huge mess in my head. “What if is something else, like a heart attack?,” “what if I go back to sleep and I will never wake up?” “What if I faint and I crash?” Then those thoughts get tangled. In a matter of seconds all of these messages that I have created, all at the same time, all colliding with each other while I desperately try to find a resolution, sink me into a messy hole.
Then comes the guilt after the symptoms subside. I am always thinking, “But why? I have a good life. Then, what the heck is wrong with me?” All of this feels ten times worse when one of those episodes happen in front of my kids.
Once, sometime ago, I was a mess. The panic attacks where coming frequently. I had to explain my kids what was happening to me. I was so scared all the time, not only from the anxiety itself but also, that I was passing it to them. So I told them about it using my monster. I showed them the picture and explained them that mommy sometimes felt sick. But that they should not be afraid. It was funny when Eva my oldest one, mentioned that it looked cute, like one of those from Monsters Inc. She made me realize with that comment that monsters not always have to scare us. We can see them and learn to not fear them.
I also told them what to do when mommy was scared by the monster. Eva knows exactly what to say to me and what to do. She starts telling me a story, or holds my hand if she can, and remind me to breath and drink water. Erik, my youngest, still has no full comprehension of the whole thing but he knows that it will pass and he doesn’t freak out. Another time, in one of those birthday goodie bags, Erik got a stress ball, with a pointy surface. I started using it all the time and when they feel like I am getting anxious they look for it and give it to me. I also talked to their teachers about this, in case they see any manifestation of anxiety in them. So far they are fine. Slowly I was letting the guilt go away. Sometimes it comes with the monster, but I am not letting guilt rule my life anymore.
The truth is that motherhood and guilt are married. It’s a fact. There is so much pressure that we put on ourselves everyday. So many expectations. I realized the main problem is that we have some trouble handling the ugliness of motherhood. Before you start throwing stones at me, please continue reading. Yes, motherhood has a very ugly side. And it has nothing to do with what you feel for your family members, or even how you feel about motherhood overall. Moms get tired, burned, bored, sick, worried, depressed, and fed up. Because we are not angels, we are humans. Some can cope with all of this without the anxiety disorder, and I envy them. God knows how much I envy them. But for others like me, the ones that have to deal with this crap called anxiety and panic attacks on top of it, that ugly side and guilt can create a dark repetitive cycle. There is something you need to repeat yourself every day: It’s ok not to be ok. You don’t have to be the perfect mom, and your kids don’t have to be the perfect kids. Perfection doesn’t coexist with motherhood. So forget about that.
I understand you fellow anxious mom. And let me tell you something. You are NOT crazy. You are NOT weak. This feels awful, but you can overcome this. It’s a process. It might take you time and that is fine. Don’t be afraid to open up, to ask for help. I know that it is so difficult to explain this to people that have no clue what a panic attack is. Let alone explain this to your kids. But I can assure you, it is more common than you think and you will find those who will listen to you, give you a hand, an advice, or simply love you and let you know they are there for you. I know you are trying to avoid the embarrassment and judgment. But don’t let those feelings get in the way of recovering your peace. Anxiety doesn’t define you or dictate how good of a mother you are. We are all learning, trying our best. And the simple fact to acknowledge that you want to recover and get better from this makes you a great human, a great mom. I recognize the strength in you, because I know it’s not easy to overcome those episodes while protecting and raising your kids.
So from an anxious mom to another, I will tell you another thing: We can do this! We have endured pregnancies, late night feedings, diaper changing, awful play dates, toddler years just to name a few, of course we can kick the panic attacks and the anxiety monster in the butt too.
LESSON: Anxiety doesn’t define you or what kind of mother you are. Don’t let guilt consume your thoughts and give credit to yourself just for the fact that you are willing to recover.
TIPS:
– Don’t hide your anxiety to your love ones. Find ways to explain to them the best way you can about how you feel, and what to do.
-Speak about the ugliness of motherhood. Yes is nice how we post our perfect pictures, and to brag about all the milestones online but we need to tell other mothers about the dark side too. Let’s not perpetuate the perfection standard of motherhood.
– If you need help ask for help. Don’t feel ashamed. All human beings deal with something different. Moms need help sometimes because we are not angels we are humans.
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