Reconciling with yourself. With anxiety and all.
It is difficult to pinpoint exactly where my anxiety began. I started thinking about it the other day when my mom showed me a bunch of pictures of myself in almost every stage of my life. As I was staring at the pictures, memories came to my mind, and yes, I can recognize things that definitely contributed to my anxiety. What struck me the most was that almost in every picture I had a sad look. It broke my heart because I knew exactly why that was. I had a battle inside, a battle no one knew about.
I was always a shy kid. Not a lot of words, not a lot of friends. A lot of things scared me when I was just a little girl. I remember I used to think that a black cat entered my room every night. I was terrified of sleeping alone, but mostly I was terrified of darkness. Ever since I have had to sleep with maybe one light on in the distance and I need some sound, so I have a fan, no matter the weather.
When I was a teen someone put a piece of paper in my bag pack. It said I was the ugliest girl in the class… It crushed me. I grew up believing I was ugly… unworthy… Back then I had anxiety and depression already and I didn’t know it. I struggled for years. So much…I only have mentioned this in my book. Before that, I never told a soul about it. The nights I cried, the isolation, the feeling of not being good enough. The feeling of being unseen.
At 21 I left my country because I was heartbroken from a failed relationship. I wanted to go somewhere where no one knew who I was, to start new. Best decision of my life! although leaving the place you were born and your family and friends is the hardest thing to do. Changes are scary but sometimes necessary. I left thinking I was going to come back. The universe had different plans for me.
Here, building a new life I found my voice. My strength. I started gaining confidence and I was feeling better than ever. I fell in love! I was happy. However, anxiety remained intact. For years my anxiety monster followed me. Until…
Motherhood. It changed everything. And it was then that I realized I had to do something about it. So I started writing, following my dreams and passions.
At almost 43 I am reclaiming my power. I am reaching for the stars because why not. I feel beautiful inside out, No matter what the scale says or what others think. I am allowing the Universe to guide me. And I am loving who I am, with anxiety and all. Recognizing that I still have my struggles with the monster has helped me in ways I can not describe (actually I tried in my book) but mostly what helped me was to reconcile with myself in every one of those stages I described above. What I am trying to say here is, You don’t have to fight with the feelings from your past self versions. You can reconcile with them so you can have a better vision of who you are now, and who you want to be.
The girl in the picture. I am all her, and none of them at the same time. I can picture my future self somewhere being someone completely different. The beauty of reconciling with your past or even your future is that you can go right here right now and talk to the inner child, teen, young adult, even the elderly adult in you. I know, I know, I am against time-tripping, because it is dangerous, but in cases when you feel like you have to heal yourself at any stage of life, past, present, or future, you can do some exercises that will make your trip to memory lane (or future wonderland) a bit safer.
This is what I did and what you can do too.
Pray-Meditate-Journal.
First I needed to connect to that part of myself that I wanted to reconcile with. Then I wrote a letter to her. The shy kid, the unseen teen, the fearful young adult, the future happy elder me. A letter of reassurance. You can write or talk to her whatever feels comfortable. Talk to your inner self like you are mothering her, how you talk to your kids when they are hurt.
Release negative emotions.
After doing this it is most likely that you will have to face some negative emotions as a result of digging into your past. But that is OK ONLY if you commit yourself to releasing the negative emotions immediately and make a promise to don’t dwell on them. The idea here is that you forgive yourself, reassure yourself, and MOVE ON. So my recommendation is to write on a piece of paper the negative things that you are feeling and then burn them. (Do it safely, don’t burn your house down!)
Ask for light.
Yes, after you release negative baggage there is an empty space. Ask the universe to fill it up with light. Then you can do some visualization. Imagine the light entering you from above. You can picture your inner child smiling, and your future self thanking you because this step is making you a better version of yourself and that benefits all the versions of you.
Remember who you are.
You may think you are the versions of yourself you are reconciling with. However, this is just a tiny part. In reality, you’re a beautiful eternal soul, living a life experience in this body that is aging and going through a lot of things in between. So remember, for the most part, you are a beautiful eternal light.
I am leaving you with a poem I wrote at the end of my book. Write it, print it, put it somewhere you can say this prayer at any time you need:
I am a being of light. I carry inside a strength that nothing and no one can take away from me.
As my path goes by, I am taking the lessons of each day, knowing they were necessary for my learning and growth.
I am not alone, and I remember we all need each other and that all our purposes are interconnected.
I am the best I can be, and that is the only value where I need to put my focus on.
I refuse to see anxiety as my enemy. I recognize it as a master that is providing me tools and lessons to be the person I came here to be. For my children, for my family, for myself, for those around me.
I am love, and through love, I heal.
Paola is the author of The Lake of Miracles/El Lago de Los Milagros, Shorty Tales (Cuentitos), and The Anxious Mom Manifesto: 18 Lessons to Control your Anxiety Monster. Find her books HERE.
Follow Paola @paobsur
Click on the image to order your book!
