I did not have any New Year’s resolutions a year ago. I literally had no idea what to expect. I do remember something. A year ago I was a little confused before the New Year started. Yes I did have plans, many plans. But I had recently started a let’s call it spiritual awakening, which was directing me to become more present in my life. I started to read books about the meaning of the soul, our purpose on earth, spirit guidance, things like that. And in every single book there was one message that really got stuck in my head: stop thinking about the future. So for the first time in a great while I didn’t write a list of resolutions for 2019. Trust me, this for a person with anxiety is an extremely difficult exercise.
We, the anxious ones, are for some reason obsessed with the future (among other things.) What, when and how “it” will happen, whatever “it” is. But the message from the universe was clear: Take the WILL out of the sentence. Replace it with IS. Because life is not happening in the future. Life is what IS happening now and how we are living it TODAY. Right now. So if you want to have a great future you have to start thinking on how to have a great now. The better the now, the better the future and this year was proof of that for me at least. By better I don’t mean perfectly shaped life, shiny rainbows and bright colors 100% of the time and a completely exhilarating state of mind and situations. Life is not like that. Better and happier NOW means (for me) having a clearer appreciation for whatever my current situation is, being grateful and aware of what I do have and conscious about what I have to change now to get what I want. The power that this new way of seeing life gave me more strength to keep fulfilling my dreams because I was concentrating my thoughts and energy on how to make those dreams come true instead of just placing the dreams somewhere in my imagination, only contemplating them like a kid who wants a candy that he can’t have.
I am not going to lie. It has been one of the toughest years I have ever had, financially, emotionally and mentally. But If you ask me I got to tell you it has been the year that I have grown the most and the year that I was present the most. Having no expectations was absolutely liberating. I was trusting my gut, I was listening to my heart, I started thinking more clearly, learned to make better decisions on the road, I was paying attention to all the signs the universe puts out there, believe me they are out there, and I was getting better RESULTS on everything I started to do. And despite all the challenges and ups and downs of the year I had the less anxious year of them all. As a matter of fact, this was the year I can tell you I have finally tamed the anxiety monster. Yes he is still around, shows his face from time to time, but now I can handle him with more ease. Because I killed the thing that he was feeding from the most: my expectations and the punishment I always inflicted on myself by not meeting those expectations.
In 2019 I wrote and published a new fantasy novel. I finally published a children’s book. I got a book deal for a new one about anxiety which I am currently developing. I am today having a great relationship with my husband. I faced a lot of fears and defeated them. I am enjoying motherhood with all it brings. I have found a new gusto for working out. I stopped weighting myself and I am happier with the way I look, and feel healthier, and I have no clue if I lost a pound or not. My clothes feel better though, so it tells me I did something right. There were times when the monster attacked me with whatever strength he had left. I had discussions with loved ones, I even lost some friendships, I encounter financial difficulties, I lost in a literary contest, I got very lonely at times and I had challenges that I can’t not even describe here. But because I was paying attention on the present, on how each situation was serving my purpose and how I could make it better in the now I was able to see those things differently. I was able to see that the discussions gave new meaning to my relationships, the friends that I lost were gone for a reason and left me a lesson, my financial problems led me to look and take care of money like never before, the contest I lost challenged me to become a better writer… I guess you get the point now. It’s not easy. Not at all.
When I put all of this on a list of things they may sound like resolutions I could have written a year ago. But I didn’t. I am so grateful for whatever 2019 brought mostly because I was not planning this year at all and I got pleasantly surprised. I am going to continue living like that. Redirecting my energy on achieving the dream, not on just dreaming the dream. I am not focusing about the candy I can’t have. We all can have the candy, we can make it right now and it will taste much better. Or even better, feeling like you already have that candy so you savor it and work for more of it. If it helps you writing the list go ahead. But let me tell you, you are preventing the New Year from surprising you with moments and lessons that you couldn’t possibly have planned. Surrender the expectations and enjoy the show. It is totally worth it!
Happy New Year every one! Bring it on 2020!
