The Health Scare That Helped Me to Love My Body The way It Is
A few months ago I had a sort of epiphany. Probably already under the effects of a drug cocktail I had right before I was moved into a surgery room where I was going to have breast surgery, I realized how much I loved my body and how much I had been mistreating it.
The procedure was going to be easy. They had detected an abnormal scar tissue on my right breast and I was there getting it removed. A minor surgery but a surgery after all, and fortunately my diagnosis was extremely positive. But when you are going through the whole thing, and you are an anxious person, you can’t help but wonder what if things would have turned out to be worse? Because they could, they still can. This can happen to anyone…
As I was looking at the white hospital ceiling and my eyes were kind of dazzled by the bright lights from the top, with tears in my eyes I made a promise to myself. I was not going to wait until they tell me ‘you have cancer, or something else,’ to start loving my body the way it is. I had to start right there. For good and this time for real. Silently I started to pray and repeated a sentence in my head: I love my body, I love my body…. I love… and then, the lights went off…
Women have a lot of trouble accepting their bodies as they are from a very early age. For me, it has been a great internal battle, particularly after motherhood. I am not talking about just taking care of my diet and exercise, but actually loving and accepting my body, its uniqueness, its journey. The battle sometimes is more mental than physical and that is what we have to change. Our bodies deserve love. But we are so preoccupied with trying to change our bodies that we don’t love the ones we have. We love an idea that is not there, that is sold to us, and as the years go by and we don’t match that idea we crumble.
It took me a health scare to realize I needed to stop mistreating my body. Not only physically but emotionally. I had to stop trying to see the flaws in the mirror, and getting fixated on them. And then beating myself up and wishing for another reflection, when in fact the one I have is wonderful the way it is.
There is something to understand here. Your body has brought you to this place in time, you are experiencing life in it, and life happens. You grow old, you endure transformations, there are moments when you feel strong and others not so much. Because of that, your body deserves your complete appreciation always, otherwise, you are wasting precious time and failing to enjoy your life in that amazing body you have.
A Simple Screening, But Wait There is More!
How did I come to that point of realization just now when I am a middle-aged woman? It all started back in February when I went to do my first mammogram. The recommendation according to cancer.org is that “Women ages 40 to 44 should have the choice to start annual breast cancer screening with mammograms (x-rays of the breast) if they wish to do so. Women age 45 to 54 should get mammograms every year. Women 55 and older should switch to mammograms every 2 years, or can continue yearly screening.”
When I saw my doctor at the end of 2019, she had recommended that I should start right then when I was 40. I decided I was going to wait a few months and 2020 happened. So it was until January 2021 that I made my appointment and a few weeks later I was there for my first mammogram.
Having my own battle with anxiety, of course, I got scared previously to the date. On that day, the technician, a very nice lady, told me I had nothing to be worried about. Then she mentioned that because it was my first time most likely I was going to get a call to repeat some images.
‘Don’t panic’ she tried to comfort me, ‘it happens all the time!’ But you know, when someone tells you ‘don’t panic’ and you are already an anxious person, of course panicking is the first thing you do.
A few days later I received the said call. They indeed needed to repeat some images and sent me to another center for a more thorough exam. “Remember the nice lady, she said don’t panic”, that is what I tried to think to ease my nerves. I scheduled this second one as fast as I could, I wanted to get it over with because it was creating in me high levels of anxiety, something I thought I had under control, plus I was preparing to launch my book about anxiety nonetheless!
This time it was a little more intimidating. You see everyone trying to be so calm in that waiting room, all of us with the colored robes, reading a magazine trying to avoid eye contact with each other for some reason. When they called me I went into the room taking deep breaths. They explained to me that first, they were going to do a test similar to the first mammogram but if it was inconclusive they had to do an ultrasound right there. That was exactly what happened and at that moment, before the ultrasound, I started crying.
“What are they seeing? Is there a lump? I don’t feel anything”.
The radiologist came and said there was an area that looked suspicious. Like a dark cloud in the images. Then he mentioned the words “biopsy,” “surgery,” and “possibly cancer”.
I left the building in a state of mental numbness. As the days went by, I managed to balance the anxiety which was something I could control at the moment, and just tried to take the whole thing step by step. It was not easy though.
Biopsy day was not as bad as I thought. Or maybe I was successful in preparing myself mentally for it. “Doctors use breast biopsy to remove a small amount of tissue from a suspicious area for lab analysis.” That is the explanation on radiologyinfo.com. Basically, they put you upside down, use a very thin needle to locate the abnormal tissue, and take a sample. Then you wait… I received the call four days later. “It is bening.” and just like the infomercial then they said “but wait! There is more!” Turns out I was not out of the woods just yet. They said because of the nature of it, they considered this scar tissue to be a future potential danger, and that it could become cancer with the years. “You should talk to a surgeon.”
I was not sure how to feel at that point. Sure, I was happy that they said the word bening, but on the other hand, they said it could also become cancer. I didn’t waste any time and scheduled an appointment with a surgeon. She told me about my options. I could wait and try to monitor the abnormality with mammograms every six months, or I could get the tissue removed in surgery. She warned me I would have a scar after. But I didn’t think twice. I was getting it removed.
The Surgery and The Realization
My decision was moved in great part because of my anxiety issues. I couldn’t wait every six months for news, and go through the same process over and over, waiting for the moment they would tell me ‘oh remember that thing that could be cancer but it wasn’t? Well, now it is…”
Also, I had a conversation with my brother who is a specialist in breast radiology, he saw my images and recommended that I do the surgery right away. This is very important. If you are ever in the same position you need to stay away from Google and have a doctor’s opinion. Get informed as much as you can so you can make a decision based on rectified information, and according to your particular case, and not because of google or someone who had what you have said so. Everyone is different, situations are different. Get informed and please don’t get medical advice on Facebook mommy groups, for your own mental health protection.
Back to the story. My Cinco de Mayo was not fun. Instead of having margaritas and tacos, that was the day I had my breast surgery. But as I said at the beginning, it was minutes before when it all made sense to me. Lying there on that bed I was finally accepting myself. How could I not see that before? At that moment I couldn’t care less about the scars, the wrinkles, the mommy belly, the extra pounds… All I wanted was to love my body, treasuring my health and not my looks.
Health. Another word to be taken care of seriously. What is healthy for you? This has nothing to do with the way you look. I never thought about it until that moment, because that was the first time in my life when I realized that I could lose my health at any time.
You have heard the stories, someone that you know has breast cancer, or someone that you know knows someone that has breast cancer. It never occurred, it can happen to you. Not only breast cancer, but a million other things can happen. And when you are actually healthy, you beat yourself up because you don’t have bigger breasts, toned abs, a firm butt, fewer wrinkles, a slender figure, shall I go on? So there I was, staring at the ceiling and the universe was slapping me in the face telling me ‘wake up Paola! You are enough! And you are wonderful so you better start living, enjoying your body, and being happy!”
A couple of hours later I opened my eyes, confused, sored, and I am not sure what I mumbled to the person that was next to me. It took me a few minutes to understand that the surgery was done and that I was waking up from the anesthesia in the recovery area. The doctor came, told me the surgery was a success, and that I was going home a little later. They gave me final instructions and that was it.
This whole ordeal brought me to the conclusion that some of us have the wake-up calls, the second chances. The question is what are we going to do with them? I want to tell you that you don’t even need a wake-up call like this, maybe other people’s wake-up call can be yours. You don’t have to wait for a health scare to appreciate and love your body. Others just get a diagnosis that could be irreversible, without having the opportunity to say, ‘wait a minute, I can change this!’
It’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Don’t delay your screenings, ask questions to your doctor, talk to your friends about this, let’s encourage each other and love ourselves, and let’s provide support to all the women going through this battle.
That is why I am telling you my story, so you can realize right now how beautiful and amazing you already are. With this, I am not saying you should just stop working on your body. Just realize that it is better if you do this as a part of loving yourself already, nurturing and taking care of your body, mind, and soul, from a place of appreciation for who you are, because if you do so from a place of fear and rejecting your body, you only will encounter frustrations on the road. Don’t wait until the universe, or something else slaps you in the face. Your call.
Paola is the author of The Anxious Mom Manifesto. Available wherever books are sold! or just click on the image below.
