A few days ago, I realized that I couldn’t see some of Eva’s, my 12yo daughter, posts in one of her social media accounts. Yes, before you throw stones at me, I allowed my daughter to have some of them despite everything that has been said. But this is another topic for another time. Maybe I know that with this story many people will judge me, and it inevitably happens.
I asked her directly. Are you hiding something from me? And her response surprised me.
She very eloquently argued her position of not having me as a friend to prevent me from watching some of her content, (I’m sure she saw it coming because one of the two options she was either very prepared, or those debate classes at school really helped). Instead of rolling her eyes, or responding with a defensive attitude as usually happens when I confront her, she told me that there are simply things she doesn’t want to share with me but only with her friends.
Among other arguments, she explained to me that she knew that if I wanted, I could play detective and find a way to see her videos. That she wasn’t opening fake accounts on the sly, and she returned to me the words I’ve said to her since I let her use a cell phone.
I know that nothing I post is private and is exposed for everyone to see, but they are simply not for you Mom. And she finished with the following question: What would you have done at my age if you had had social media?
There I was the one who had two options. Lie to her and tell her of course that I would have let my mother see everything and tell her absolutely everything without omitting any details. Or use this moment to talk frankly and establish more trust between us. I replied: probably the same as you.
As I continued driving, I went back in time to that age and thanked all the gods that I didn’t have social media or so much technology back then. What I did have were diaries where I wrote down the most intimate things, love poems, and things that were happening to me, and I kept them with so much suspicion to hide them, especially from my parents, that I understood what she was explaining to me. But most of all, I understood the hardest thing for a mother at this stage of her daughter. It’s not her attitude, her rebellion, or her overflowing emotions, it’s the recognition that your daughter is finding her world distant from you. And there is nothing wrong with this.
The problem is that it is a sudden change. In our case, I think it happened when she entered Middle School. She changed her tastes, her friends, her reactions, her mentality. She began to lock herself in her room more, to want to spend less time with us, to prefer the outside world, and to trust other people. Suddenly I didn’t know her anymore, where was this girl that I knew everything about and had control over her world and what affected it?
But what can I expect to know if she is also discovering herself? Because if there’s one thing I remember from that age, it’s confusion. So, these changes will be a common denominator for the coming years. OK, for the rest of her life. Even I don’t understand myself at 44 sometimes!
I know that all this social media stuff is a challenge for parents, and no one knows your children but you. You make your rules in your home and what works for you may not work for others. With my two children, we have had many opportunities over the last few years to talk about social media, its dangers, its consequences, the pros, and cons.
We have certain rules about when, how, and where to use your electronic devices, and we’ve talked about the type of content you’re exposed to and how to identify dangers. Above all, we have emphasized what they tend to share. I think that, at this stage in their lives, exercising a type of total control over all this begins to get out of hand and that is when we have no choice but to learn to trust their judgment, and this terrifies us!
I agreed to her privacy with a great vote of confidence. We talk about many things daily and I don’t want this to affect that connection. Besides, I thought if I forbid her, she would do it anyway without consulting me. I let her know how much I trusted her, and that I was going to respect her decision. I remain her guide in this world and I can only continue to do my best to teach her to make the best decisions and be there for her when she makes a mistake.
Choosing between closing one door and opening another is a matter for each person. I know that, if the maternal instinct tells me that I should get into her privacy to defend her, I will do it. Moms can become FBI agents in a matter of hours if not minutes. But for now, that is not the case. I am still going to keep an eye on things without crossing the line.
It hurts me not to know her world in its entirety and I admit it, not being able to control it. For the first 9 or 10 years, that mother-daughter relationship is something inexplicably beautiful and close. You are hard on her because you want her to be strong, but you agree to some of her whims because you want to see her happy. You share everything with her. Secrets, tastes, you are her world, and she looks for you first. When suddenly that bond begins to loosen, you feel lost, and why not say it is deeply sad and no one tells you about it. But it’s part of being a mom. Knowing when to get into her life like an angry mama bear or let her fly a little, just like the little birds in Shakira’s video.
Paola B. Sur is an award-winning author, originally from Colombia. A mother of two, a blogger, and mostly a dreamer. She loves fiction, fantasy, coffee, and soccer.
Her debut novel El Lago de los Milagros (2016) (Spanish version) was a finalist for Best Fantasy Novel at the International Latino Book Awards in 2017. In 2021, she released her first non-fiction book, The Anxious Mom Manifesto: 18 Lessons to Control Your Anxiety Monster. An original, provocative, and honest take on motherhood, anxiety, and facing one’s own monsters. Published by Morgan James Publishing.
Currently, she lives in Jacksonville, Florida with her husband and kids. You can follow her @paolasurauthor on Instagram.
